As parents, the backpack we carry when our journey starts with our child can place a heavy burden on the
shoulders. Some days it seems light and almost feathery, though without
warning, other days it becomes so weighty it feels almost unbearable.
For me the weight of a backpack coupled
with the ‘briefcase of a career’ seemed at times, to be the cause of the
challenges that arose with what I thought was a wonderful, happy child.
The first occasion of my ‘talks’ arose
at day care when the staff were keen to advise me daily that out of all the
children my child would not take a nap. “Is he upset”? “No” was the answer. “Is
he disrupting the other children?” “No”. “Is he trying to keep them awake or
play with them?” “No”. I struggled to see the problem. Here was a lovely happy
little 18 month old boy that seemed happy to be on the mat but just sit and
play or look around at others. Not disturbing just happy to day dream but not
sleep. This was mirrored at home and I was perplexed with the daily ‘tut tut’ I
would receive, like it was something I was teaching him to do!
Though a pattern started to emerge.
At pre school and in Grade One the same
‘talks’ were regularly presented. Not naughty, not disruptive just won’t sit
and if he does he daydreams, won’t concentrate on his work, is forgetful, won’t
stay on task, doesn’t seem to listen and has difficulty understand
instructions. I kept asking all along the way, “Do you think he has Autism, is
he ADHD.” This was always met by a negative response and in the expert opinion
of these care givers and teachers it was a behavioural problem (whatever that
meant?)
By Grade Two after one to many ‘chats’ about
the negatives and few positives of our lovely little boy I trotted him off to a
Psychologist. After countless weekly visits and over a thousand dollars later it
was declared that there was nothing wrong with the child, must be the teachers.
Again I kept asking “Could he have Autism or ADHD?” “Definitely not”, was the
response. His grandparents, through the magical unconditional love that they
possess declared him perfect and just too clever; they also suggested it must
be the teaching practices employed these days.
By now I had shifted the blame into the
‘growing heavier by the day backpack’ and declared a self prognosis of it being
my fault as a full time working mother. By Grade Three a wonderful young
teacher reached in and lifted a brick from the pack. “Annette do you think
Hunter might have Passive ADD?” She was anxious at presenting this suggestion
but the relief was immense for me.
Here was someone who had identified
through research the inattentive form of the condition, not the Predominately
Hyperactive/Impulsive Sub Type that most of us relate to ADHD. A stream I had
never heard of. After taking her advice I also researched the subject matter
and found quickly that kids with this condition do often fall under the radar
during school years. Not drawing attention to themselves with hyperactivity and
strong social behaviours, these quiet souls are often labeled as lazy school
workers and day dreamers.
The journey continued to be a struggle
as a series of testing had to be under taken to determine the condition. Visits
by the Education Psychologist (who also deemed him not to be ADHD from
observations), a local Doctor (reluctant to refer him to a Specialist because there
was a belief he didn’t have ADHD), to the wonderful Specialist that said “I
have spent three minutes with him and I think he is but let’s try fish oil and
at the same time let’s get him clinically tested before we consider any
medication.”
He did, he was, and he was then offered
medication.
The backpack got lighter but the
emotional backlash from family and friends was at times brutal. I have since
realised that if you don’t live with ADHD you can’t possibly appreciate the
challenges that are presented hour by hour. Not to mention the struggles
experienced by those living with ADHD. I learnt to keep my mouth shut and lean
on those that were supportive and encouraging at taking a proactive approach to
help my son.
My son’s medication regime is designed
to assist him ‘get through the school hours’. Kicking in soon after he arrives
at school and wearing off at the end of the school day. Now a teenager the
medication schedule is constantly being monitored and adjusted to assist with
the all important after school study that is now part of our society’s educational
expectations.
While the medication allows the brain
connectors to ‘switch on’ and encourage focus during these blocks of hours
there is a huge gap in the emotional and social needs of a fully functioning
human being. Getting ready for the day, being organised enough at school and
home to be able to focus on the tasks and instructions, personal hygiene and
that all important social connection we all need in our lives. Building
friendships and relationships and being able to read others and their emotional
needs.
In our house the gap continued to grow
with the body as it morphed into a teenager. While there seemed some relief in
a new high school that accepted and worked with great vigour in assisting the
transition from primary to high school, things were getting emotionally
strained in our normally passive home environment. Then I noticed disturbing
behaviours.
Fingers picked raw from stress and
anxiety, scratching of the face when being confronted – it started to scream
self harm and the backpack was suddenly leaden.
After a stressful morning and in a
fretful state I made a call to LADS, seeking advice for the name of a Psychiatrist
that could help us. After calming me down and listening to my story this
amazing woman was frank “I don’t think you need a Psychiatrist, I think your son
might need a coach.” Coaching was not new to me, I had undertaken Professional
Business Coaching at the height of the GFC and had gone on to learn from a
couple of one on one Life Coaching sessions so the idea appealed.
We were given the contact, of whom in
our own words is our ‘Family Angel’. In human form she is Dr Michele Toner,
ADHD Coach.
The changes to my son and our family
have been dramatic. He is now able, with strategies designed for him by
Michele, to have some order and management of his personal routines, plan and
manage his own study paths, and is now in the midst of learning the art of
conversation and forming friendships.
The outcomes and results in a short six
months? He can now get ready in the morning in a home that is ‘a screeching
mother free zone’, his school grades have shot from Cs and Ds to As and Bs and
his confidence in making new friends and forming stronger bonds with long time
acquaintances is going from strength to
strength.
I would love to say pop a pill and go
to a coach and this magic cloak will appear and all will be perfect, but it
isn’t true. It needs a team, made up of family and friends, a supportive school
environment and an angel of a coach. You will still need to push, then run
ahead and pull - but you will get them over the life line.
Perhaps our proudest moment was just a
few weeks ago when at a parent teacher night we moved from teacher to teacher
to be told our son was in the top ten per cent of each subject. A first! A
wonderful academic achievement and great result for all his hard work, but it
didn’t seem to compare to the comments promoting what a great person he was.
“Willing to try everything, someone you
can trust, always putting forward a great effort even when he might not be so
good at something, and more importantly if he is good at something, helping
others that might not be finding it so easy. The best sum up of the night ‘This
is a wonderful young man’. What more could you ask for as a parent? The backpack
was empty that night!
