Saturday, December 26, 2009

ADHD Coaching - Ban New Year's Resolutions

My suggestion for 2010 - make your usual list of New Year's resolutions, then tear the list up and burn it! For some reason this silly ritual of setting ourselves impossible tasks persists year in and year out, and we set ourselves up for failure. I'll never forget a particular New Year's Day about 15 years ago, when my dear friend Wanda gave up coffee, alcohol and cigarettes - cold turkey - all together, simultaneously, and at the same time! I believe that particular New Year's Day was the hottest in Australian history, and we were at a venue without air conditioning. By midday Wanda was swaeting more than everybody put together, and by 3pm she became convinced that she was coming down with the flu. It was obvious to all her friends, if not to her, that the shock of suddenly cutting out all her 'vices' was bringing on some serious side effects. We persuaded her to have a cigarette, or a cup of coffee, or a glass of wine. She opted for all 3, and slowly her side effects subsided. We've laughed about that day for many years. These days Wanda does not smoke at all, and enjoys coffee & wine in moderation. It took her several years to get her '3 worst habits' under control, one at a time.
Learn from Wanda and make small changes in your life, for small changes have huge repercussions eventually. I'm borrowing a mantra that a colleague came up with at a workshop I recently attended:
MY BEST WILL ALWAYS BE GOOD ENOUGH.
That means that my only New Year's Resolution will be to do my best each day. By that I mean that I will try my best to handle the curved balls life throws at me, and not to beat myself up when my results are less than spectacular. For more information see my website: http://www.micheletoner.com/
If you would like me to help you to do your best in 2010, please call me on 0411 067 541, or email me on micheletoner@hotmail.com

Monday, December 21, 2009

ADHD Coaching - Silly Season

This is not called the Silly Season for nothing. Despite our best efforts we can often find ourselves in all sorts of trouble at this time of the year. The other day a psychologist on breakfast TV calmly told the nation that it takes the average family 10 minutes to have their first argument on Christmas Day. Perhaps that is why so many people with ADHD dread it so much. I have been asked the same question many times over the past week: "Any tips for making it through an ADHD-Christmas?" So, here are my top 3:
  1. Don't over-commit. Bill Cosby once said: "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody". In your attempts to keep everybody happy, you might be tempted to fill your diary with too many Christmas Catch-ups, and end up disappointing friends if you cancel. Instead, choose one day where you invite all your friends to a BYO Christmas Catch-up in a park.
  2. Take time out. It's important to schedule some days and/or nights where you just "chill". Burning the candle at both ends can be fun for a while, but it's not possible to maintain a high level of energy output. People with ADHD can crash and burn without warning if they don't rest. It's also important to take little timeouts at functions that might be stressful. For example, if you simply can't bear another minute of your boring brother-in-law, politely excuse yourself and go for a discreet walk around the block.
  3. Be kind to yourself. People with ADHD tend to have a long mental list of things to do over the break, and then beat themselves up when they don't get done. Add them to your New Year's list and slowly tackle them in the coming weeks and months.
Remember, Christmas doesn't have to be perfect. It's the mishaps that make days memorable. Relax and enjoy yourself.
If you'd like to see me, phone me on 0411 067 541 for an appointment. See my website for more information: http://www.micheletoner.com

Sunday, December 6, 2009

ADHD Coaching - To Tell or not to Tell

The decision to tell or not to tell a friend, lecturer, boss or colleague about a diagnosis of ADHD is never taken lightly. I have been asked countless times for my advice on this issue. Of course, there's never a straight answer. It always depends on the situation, and on the people involved. In Australia, unlike the US, ADHD is not recognised as a disability, although it is supported by Disability Services at universities. This means that in Australia you sometimes have to prove your right to accommodations in the workplace or classroom - a daunting task for someone who is already struggling to cope in their environment. Add to that the stigma associated with ADHD - the majority of society's members view it as a cop-out, poor parenting, unhealthy diet, adults who won't take responsibility for their problems.
So what do you do? Here are my 5 top tips:
  1. Look for 1 person you can trust and ask them to be a mentor. Educate them.
  2. Admit to the symptoms but not the diagnosis
  3. Ask for regular feedback and then work behind the scenes with a coach to address any issues raised
  4. If you're a student - REGISTER WITH DISABILITY SERVICES
  5. Always remember that if you're feeling unvalued - move on. You will be valued elsewhere.
Feel free to contact me for suggestions specific to your situation:
Email: micheletoner@hotmail.com
Mobile: 0411 067 541
Skype: michele.toner
Website: http://www.micheletoner.com

Saturday, November 28, 2009

ADHD - The Beast in the Jungle?

Henry James' story The Beast in the Jungle tells of a man convinced that his life will be dramatically changed by a catastrophic event, which he refers to as The Beast in the Jungle. He decides, therefore, that he cannot make any major decisions, or become close to anyone until the Beast has pounced. He meets a wonderful woman and confides in her. She decides to be his companion - to wait with him until after the Beast pounces. It is only at her funeral that he realises he has wasted his life, and hers, waiting. And it is then that he realises the Beast has pounced. The story made a huge impression on me when I read it as a young student, and I resolved to live life to the full. There would be no beasts in my jungle!

As a mature-aged student I often felt that my PhD was my own Beast. It caused me to put many aspects of my life on hold as I plodded on and on at my keyboard, disengaging from my senses in order to engage my analytical mind in high order thinking. I look back and wonder if it was worth it as I try in vain to recall a single sunset in that period. During that time I often recalled Macbeth's lament that he was "in blood so stepped" that to turn back would be as hard as going forward, and I put my head down and waded on, seven days a week until it was done.

Ten months down the track I am once again able to sigh at a sunset and celebrate the sight of a dolphin in the river. I have also identified my true friends, who are still with me, having waited patiently, and encouraged me when I wanted to stop. I hope never to engage with the Beast again, but I can't be sure that I won't.

Sometimes ADHD can be the Beast in the Jungle. People tell me that they can't start living their lives until they've conquered it, but they can't step off the treadmill long enough to achieve that. I think it can be done - with help. The answer lies in 'embracing' the ADHD Beast - taming it to suit your life. The worst thing we can do is to ignore it.

I'd love to hear your thoughts - tell me here or follow the link on this page to my Facebook coach page.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Sometimes it's not your problem, it's theirs!

The wars between peoples are a reflection of our own inner conflict and fear -Jack Kornfeld-

People with ADHD can be very hard on themselves. You become so accustomed to getting the blame for problems in the classroom, the playground, the workplace, the family home and your friendships, that you tend to blame yourself for anything that goes wrong. Well sometimes it's not you – it's them.

How do you know the difference? Well, when you find yourself in a situation of conflict or unpleasantness, ask yourself what YOU can do to change the situation? Are you being too rigid? If so, become more flexible in your handling of the situation and try to meet the other person halfway. Are you feeling stressed by the situation and potentially operating on a 'short fuse'? If so, take a step back from the stress when it occurs and go for a walk to the bathroom / kitchen / post office in order to cool off. Are you pulling your weight and meeting all your commitments? If not, step up your input, or ask someone what you can or need to do. Are you confused about why there's a problem? Ask your friends / colleagues if they can offer some insight. Perhaps you're just over-reacting to something, or reading too much into a situation.

If you've done all of the above, and you still feel convinced that something is not quite right. Forget it! You can't be responsible for other people's feelings, and you're certainly not responsible for every problem that occurs around you. Remind yourself on a regular basis that “It's Their Problem Not Mine” and get on with your life. Your change in attitude will probably bring about a change in their attitude as well. If you continue to feel undervalued, move on. Find a new circle of friends or colleagues, and concentrate on people who value you.

So, next time you feel like beating yourself up, remember:

Sometimes it's not your problem, it's theirs!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

There is a strong link between happiness & tolerance

There is a strong link between happiness and tolerance, in so far as less prejudice means greater happiness"
Matthieu Ricard - "Buddhist Offerings - 365 Days" (17 November)

This book, given to me by a dear friend, presented this quote to me this morning. As I read it I recalled a conversation I'd had with a wonderful 15 year old girl yesterday evening. She believed that she was faced with a dilemma - blessed with a superior IQ but "cursed" with a learning style which most don't understand, school had become a struggle. She wondered how she could ask her school to make certain allowances which would assist her learning. How could she be a burden to her teachers? After all, the other kids at school were managing just fine, weren't they?

I told her that she would be doing the other students and the school a favour if she told them what they could do to help her. The concept of Universal Design has been used in architecture for some time now, and is gaining popularity in the field of education. Buildings designed for Universal access include ramps for wheelchairs, talking elevators for the vision-impaired, and automatic doors for the physically handicapped. Those same modifications also benefit people without disabilities - those carrying heavy objects are grateful for ramps, and those who may have left their reading glasses at home benefit from hearing which floor the lift is approaching. In the same way, the concepts of Universal Design in education make the curriculum to students with disabilities. However, they also accommodate the unique differences in all of us by making materials available in the widest variety of formats possible. In short, those who ASK for change make the world a better place for everybody.


Difference should be celebrated - not stifled.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Time Management

People with ADHD often experience great difficulty understanding and managing the passing of time. There is some evidence to suggest that they are unable to process time in the linear-sequential manner of those without ADHD. This make is difficult to estimate the amount of time necessary for tasks, causing them to rush things, or spend too much time on some activities.
One consequence of poor time management is the risk of annoying family & friends by constant tardiness. So how do you get your friends to understand that you do care about them, and you're not purposely showing up late for every appointment? Well, try explaining that you have a problem in the area and letting them know what you're doing to address the problem. Get them to help you if possible with prompts and reminders. Choose one thing to change, e.g. being on time for training at the gym, and work on that habit until it's well established. Then focus on the next one. It should become easier with each change.
Time with friends is precious. Learn to use it well.
Cracking the Social Code - 2 part Perth workshop, November 11th & 25th. Phone 0411 067 541

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

CRACK THE SOCIAL CODE

Problems with inattention and distractibility can make it difficult to decode the subtle points of socialising, and people with ADHD often find themselves out of step as a result. I am running a two-part workshop (with counsellor Thelma Simpson) at LADS, aimed at helping people to "crack the social code". It is in response to FAQ which include:

"How can I tell if someone's being sarcastic or just joking?"
"How can I learn to make small talk?"
"Why do my friends keep getting annoyed?"

The workshop will be held on Wednesday 11th and 25th November, 7pm to 9:30pm at The Niche in Nedlands (Perth). Contact me for more info: 0411 067 541, or (08)6460-4690
http://www.micheletoner.com

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Remembering to Remember

People with ADHD are often maligned for being forgetful. It's a problem that frequently gets them into trouble. Wedding anniversaries, birthdays, shopping and household chores are some of the casualties of the ADHD-brain. Hurt friends incorrectly assume that "if it was important enough to you, then you'd remember!" Well, that's not necessarily the case. One client told me how he fronted up for his TEE maths exam without any writing materials - his mum had to zip down to Officeworks to get the necessary supplies. Of course his TEE was important to him, but he was focusing on the content of the exam rather than the practicality of writing it.

There are many strategies for Remembering to Remember. It's a matter of finding what works for you. Perhaps your mobile phone or Blackberry can be programmed with reminders; computer software programmes are great - when you're at your computer; post-it notes work wonders for some. Find your strategy and make it work for you.

"Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself" - Andre Gide

Thursday, October 8, 2009

TOMP-itis

There's a syndrome commonly associated with ADHD - it's called Too Much on your Plate, or as I like to call it TOMP-itis, and it's caused by over-commitment. Most people say "yes" when they mean "no" at least once in their lives, but people with ADHD tend to make a habit of it - and it causes serious problems for them.
"Why do I do it?" someone once asked me.
Well, there are several reasons. First, the impulsivity associated with ADHD sometimes causes people to make commitments before thinking them through. For example, when your friend asks you to go shopping with her for a new outfit, your immediate response is "yes", based on how much fun it will be and what a good friend she is. However, when you stop to think about it, you remember that you've agreed to spend the morning doing something with your partner. "He'll understand, right?" Maybe - or maybe not, depending on how many times you've done the same thing.
Another cause of TOMP-itis is a constant need for stimulation and busy-ness. After all, doing too much is much better that doing nothing, right? And if you fill your day with commitments you have a valid excuse for not doing that boring housework / filing / painting / gardening. Think again. Chores will not go away if you ignore them, and spending too much time on the go will cause you to burn out.

The solution to TOMP-itis ?
  1. Practice saying: "That sounds great, can I confirm later today?" Create some space between the request and your answer so that you can consider other commitments.
  2. Keep a diary of your commitments and CHECK IT EVERY DAY.
  3. Keep a balance between commitments and time-out. You owe it to yourself, your family and your friends.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Make ADHD Work For You

One of the participants in my PhD study told me one day: "I think I'm learning to make my ADHD symptoms work for me". Although that may sound like a strange concept, it soon became obvious what he meant. He studied his behaviours, and became very aware of his ADHD-related weaknesses. For example, his friends told him that he could be very 'unsociable' at times when he was engrossed in his work, and that he should try not to be quite so irritable when they interrupted him. Their comments got him thinking, and he realised that his hyper-focus, enabled him to get through a great deal of work. "When I'm in the zone", he said, "the room could collapse around me and I wouldn't notice. I've come to value to zone, and work hard to get there." He also realised that once lost, his hyper-focus was difficult to regain. Once he understood that, he was able to explain it to his friends, who agreed to help by leaving him 'in the zone' when they went off for a coffee break.

The core symptoms which cause so much impairment in ADHD include Inattention, Impulsivity and Hyperactivity. There's no denying that they make life very difficult for people who struggle to fit society's mould. However, as authors Kelly & Ramundo point out in their book "You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?" aspects of those core symptoms can be 'turned around' to become an advantage:

Symptoms of Inattention, which include distractibility, can play an important part in the process of creativity, enabling the assortment of disjointed thoughts and ideas that come together in imaginative thinking. Hyperactivity, when purposefully channelled can result in highly productive individuals. Impulsivity symptoms can be translated into a need for action and 'getting things done'.

I'm running a workshop at LADS on Sunday 18th October, called "Making ADHD Work For You". The aim is not to trivialise ADHD. Instead, participants will be taught to recognise the symptoms of ADHD at work in their everyday lives. Such awareness can then be used to anticipate problems and develop strategies to prevent them. Finally, I'll be teaching participants to identify and optimise the 'positive' attributes of ADHD. Contact me on 0411 067 541 for more information.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

ADHD or SOS?

I have given many talks on the topic of AD/HD. I like to think that I leave my audience with a better understanding of how the disorder affects people, as well as some practical strategies for dealing with AD/HD-related challenges. On most occasions, however, I also walk away with new insights thanks to my audience. A talk to youth workers some years ago was no exception. The man in the front row had seen more than his fair share of young people with AD/HD struggling to make sense of a seemingly hostile worl, and he'd observed one of their 'gifts':
"I think Attention Deficit's a stupid name Michele! Theres's no deficit of attention at all. That's why I call it Super Observant Syndrome - SOS for short."

He's right of course - there is no attention deficit - but there is an attentional bias. I've witnessed the uncanny abilities of some people with AD/HD to take in every conversation in a room. Driving home from a restaurant, they fill their families in on all the interesting scenarios that were playing out around them, while most people were concentrating on their lamb shanks! People with AD/HD make fantastic Emergency Room Doctors and nurses, keeping tabs on twenty-five things occurring simultaneously. They also make great chefs, turning out many meals simultaneously. But first they have to survive school! Let's work with these exciting brains to develop their SOS, rather than punish them for it!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

ORGANISING ADHD FOR HIGH SCHOOL

A workshop for Perth high school students on Saturday July 25th at 2pm. Attendees will be taught practical organizational skills which they will then apply to their own situations.

Many students with learning or attentional difficulties face great challenges when it comes to organisation, and often find themselves drowning in sheets of paper. It’s not unusual, for school bags to be jammed full of notes, assignment sheets, assessment papers, excursion slips, etc. The time spent searching through their stash of paper is unproductive for students, not to mention frustrating, and they often feel defeated even before they’ve attempted a task. However, if they’re shown simple methods of organizing paper, their schoolwork can become a lot more manageable.

The workshop will start with some background information for students, providing them with an explanation for their tendencies to be disorganized. Students will then be invited to identify and design a system which best suits their needs and tendencies. Finally, students will convert the paper stash in their school bags into an organised filing system which will be simple to maintain. Although the workshop’s immediate aim is to get students organised for the second semester, it is hoped that the increased awareness of strategies that suit their individual needs will assist students in future study endeavours, as well as other areas of their lives.

To register for this event, please contact Michele on 0411 067 541, or (08) 6460-4690. Bookings are essential, and numbers will be restricted. The cost of the workshop is $44, which includes all filing materials and afternoon tea.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

ADHD Coaching

Coaching helps people with ADHD - first to set goals, then to design and work at the steps required to achieve them.