ADHD Coaching - Silly Season

This is not called the Silly Season for nothing. Despite our best efforts we can often find ourselves in all sorts of trouble at this time of the year. The other day a psychologist on breakfast TV calmly told the nation that it takes the average family 10 minutes to have their first argument on Christmas Day. Perhaps that is why so many people with ADHD dread it so much. I have been asked the same question many times over the past week: "Any tips for making it through an ADHD-Christmas?" So, here are my top 3:

1. Don't over-commit. Bill Cosby once said: "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody". In your attempts to keep everybody happy, you might be tempted to fill your diary with too many Christmas Catch-ups, and end up disappointing friends if you cancel. Instead, choose one day where you invite all your friends to a BYO Christmas Catch-up in a park.
2. Take time out. It's important to schedule some days and/or nights where you just "chill". Burning the candle at both ends can be fun for a while, but it's not possible to maintain a high level of energy output. People with ADHD can crash and burn without warning if they don't rest. It's also important to take little timeouts at functions that might be stressful. For example, if you simply can't bear another minute of your boring brother-in-law, politely excuse yourself and go for a discreet walk around the block.
3. Be kind to yourself. People with ADHD tend to have a long mental list of things to do over the break, and then beat themselves up when they don't get done. Add them to your New Year's list and slowly tackle them in the coming weeks and months.

Remember, Christmas doesn't have to be perfect. It's the mishaps that make days memorable. Relax and enjoy yourself.
If you'd like to see me, phone me on 0411 067 541 for an appointment. See my website for more information: http://www.micheletoner.com

ADHD Coaching - To Tell or not to Tell

The decision to tell or not to tell a friend, lecturer, boss or colleague about a diagnosis of ADHD is never taken lightly. I have been asked countless times for my advice on this issue. Of course, there's never a straight answer. It always depends on the situation, and on the people involved. In Australia, unlike the US, ADHD is not recognised as a disability, although it is supported by Disability Services at universities. This means that in Australia you sometimes have to prove your right to accommodations in the workplace or classroom - a daunting task for someone who is already struggling to cope in their environment. Add to that the stigma associated with ADHD - the majority of society's members view it as a cop-out, poor parenting, unhealthy diet, adults who won't take responsibility for their problems.
So what do you do? Here are my 5 top tips:

1. Look for 1 person you can trust and ask them to be a mentor. Educate them.
   
2. Admit to the symptoms but not the diagnosis
3. Ask for regular feedback and then work behind the scenes with a coach to address any issues raised
   
4. If you're a student - REGISTER WITH DISABILITY SERVICES
   
5. Always remember that if you're feeling unvalued - move on. You will be valued elsewhere.

Feel free to contact me for suggestions specific to your situation:
Email: micheletoner@hotmail.com
Mobile: 0411 067 541
Skype: michele.toner
Website: http://www.micheletoner.com

ADHD - The Beast in the Jungle?

Henry James' story The Beast in the Jungle tells of a man convinced that his life will be dramatically changed by a catastrophic event, which he refers to as The Beast in the Jungle. He decides, therefore, that he cannot make any major decisions, or become close to anyone until the Beast has pounced. He meets a wonderful woman and confides in her. She decides to be his companion - to wait with him until after the Beast pounces. It is only at her funeral that he realises he has wasted his life, and hers, waiting. And it is then that he realises the Beast has pounced. The story made a huge impression on me when I read it as a young student, and I resolved to live life to the full. There would be no beasts in my jungle!

As a mature-aged student I often felt that my PhD was my own Beast. It caused me to put many aspects of my life on hold as I plodded on and on at my keyboard, disengaging from my senses in order to engage my analytical mind in high order thinking. I look back and wonder if it was worth it as I try in vain to recall a single sunset in that period. During that time I often recalled Macbeth's lament that he was "in blood so stepped" that to turn back would be as hard as going forward, and I put my head down and waded on, seven days a week until it was done.

Ten months down the track I am once again able to sigh at a sunset and celebrate the sight of a dolphin in the river. I have also identified my true friends, who are still with me, having waited patiently, and encouraged me when I wanted to stop. I hope never to engage with the Beast again, but I can't be sure that I won't.

Sometimes ADHD can be the Beast in the Jungle. People tell me that they can't start living their lives until they've conquered it, but they can't step off the treadmill long enough to achieve that. I think it can be done - with help. The answer lies in 'embracing' the ADHD Beast - taming it to suit your life. The worst thing we can do is to ignore it.

I'd love to hear your thoughts - tell me here or follow the link on this page to my Facebook coach page.

Sometimes it's not your problem, it's theirs!

The wars between peoples are a reflection of our own inner conflict and fear -Jack Kornfeld-

People with ADHD can be very hard on themselves. You become so accustomed to getting the blame for problems in the classroom, the playground, the workplace, the family home and your friendships, that you tend to blame yourself for anything that goes wrong. Well sometimes it's not you – it's them.

How do you know the difference? Well, when you find yourself in a situation of conflict or unpleasantness, ask yourself what YOU can do to change the situation? Are you being too rigid? If so, become more flexible in your handling of the situation and try to meet the other person halfway. Are you feeling stressed by the situation and potentially operating on a 'short fuse'? If so, take a step back from the stress when it occurs and go for a walk to the bathroom / kitchen / post office in order to cool off. Are you pulling your weight and meeting all your commitments? If not, step up your input, or ask someone what you can or need to do. Are you confused about why there's a problem? Ask your friends / colleagues if they can offer some insight. Perhaps you're just over-reacting to something, or reading too much into a situation.

If you've done all of the above, and you still feel convinced that something is not quite right. Forget it! You can't be responsible for other people's feelings, and you're certainly not responsible for every problem that occurs around you. Remind yourself on a regular basis that “It's Their Problem Not Mine” and get on with your life. Your change in attitude will probably bring about a change in their attitude as well. If you continue to feel undervalued, move on. Find a new circle of friends or colleagues, and concentrate on people who value you.

So, next time you feel like beating yourself up, remember:

Sometimes it's not your problem, it's theirs!

There is a strong link between happiness & tolerance

There is a strong link between happiness and tolerance, in so far as less prejudice means greater happiness"
Matthieu Ricard - "Buddhist Offerings - 365 Days" (17 November)

This book, given to me by a dear friend, presented this quote to me this morning. As I read it I recalled a conversation I'd had with a wonderful 15 year old girl yesterday evening. She believed that she was faced with a dilemma - blessed with a superior IQ but "cursed" with a learning style which most don't understand, school had become a struggle. She wondered how she could ask her school to make certain allowances which would assist her learning. How could she be a burden to her teachers? After all, the other kids at school were managing just fine, weren't they?

I told her that she would be doing the other students and the school a favour if she told them what they could do to help her. The concept of Universal Design has been used in architecture for some time now, and is gaining popularity in the field of education. Buildings designed for Universal access include ramps for wheelchairs, talking elevators for the vision-impaired, and automatic doors for the physically handicapped. Those same modifications also benefit people without disabilities - those carrying heavy objects are grateful for ramps, and those who may have left their reading glasses at home benefit from hearing which floor the lift is approaching. In the same way, the concepts of Universal Design in education make the curriculum to students with disabilities. However, they also accommodate the unique differences in all of us by making materials available in the widest variety of formats possible. In short, those who ASK for change make the world a better place for everybody.

Difference should be celebrated - not stifled.

Time Management

People with ADHD often experience great difficulty understanding and managing the passing of time. There is some evidence to suggest that they are unable to process time in the linear-sequential manner of those without ADHD. This make is difficult to estimate the amount of time necessary for tasks, causing them to rush things, or spend too much time on some activities.
One consequence of poor time management is the risk of annoying family & friends by constant tardiness. So how do you get your friends to understand that you do care about them, and you're not purposely showing up late for every appointment? Well, try explaining that you have a problem in the area and letting them know what you're doing to address the problem. Get them to help you if possible with prompts and reminders. Choose one thing to change, e.g. being on time for training at the gym, and work on that habit until it's well established. Then focus on the next one. It should become easier with each change.
Time with friends is precious. Learn to use it well.
Cracking the Social Code - 2 part Perth workshop, November 11th & 25th. Phone 0411 067 541