ADHD Coach - Imperfection is the New Perfect

Many clients come to see me because they have been sent for 'fixing' by their wives, mothers, fathers, friends or even sometimes their children. They bring a litany of complaints compiled by their loved ones and ask me to help them to be perfect so that those close to them can like them better. I always have to disappoint them on that score. Instead of focusing on their faults, I like them to focus on their strengths. Sometimes they can't mention a single positive thing about themselves, as all they see are the faults that are constantly pointed out to them. When we love someone, and when we're worried about their inappropriate behaviours, we sometimes go overboard and won't stop trying to fix them until we think they're perfect.

I'm not making an excuse for inappropriate or hurtful behaviour here. ADHD causes much friction in the household, and much of the coaching work I do focuses on changing my clients' behaviours and habits. But I do always have to guard against the tendency to blame everything that goes wrong in the house on the child or adult with ADHD. I ask wives what it was that first attracted them to their husband with ADHD, and whether those endearing qualities still exist? If they do, we have something strong to work on. There has to be some hope! I ask mums to describe positive qualities in their children, and watch their faces light up as they talk of the wonderful lego creations, drawings, plays and other marvellous creations produced by their less-than-perfect offspring.

What's my point? Let's not forget to celebrate the good while we're weeding out the problems. Two mums, who also happen to be sisters, have started a movement to celebrate imperfection. They call themselves the Shutup Sisters, having written a book called: Shutup About your Perfect Kid!.

I urge you to join their movement, or to start one of your own. Add your celebration of imperfection to this blog, or click on my Facebook Page widget to add your story of imperfection there. You'll find a link to the Shutup Sisters there too.

Coaching can help you to identify your strengths and weaknesses. That, in turn, will make it possible to maximise your strengths and minimise your weaknesses. Yes, with coaching you too can be perfectly imperfect.

Contact me to start telephone or face-to-face coaching:

micheletoner@hotmail.com

ADHD Coaching - What Defines You?

Coaches are committed to walking their talk - working on their own personal development as they coach their clients to do the same. That's why we all have coaches too. Last week my coach, Belinda, persuaded me to share this story:

In January I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I like to refer to it as 'mild cancer' as it was detected really early during a routine mammogram. From the start, I chose to treat my diagnosis as good news. Had it not been detected I would have been in trouble. As it turned out, I had 2 minor surgical procedures (which my friends irreverently refer to as 'lobotomies') and a series of radiotherapy treatments. I'm expected to make a full recovery. I also chose not to let my cancer dominate my thoughts. Fortunately I was able to continue working throughout my treatment. Each day I looked forward to working with inspiring people from all walks of life. Unlike me, they face ongoing challenges caused by a condition for which there is no cure. I was filled with admiration for the young girl who told me that she refused to allow ADHD to define her. "I'm not Wendy with ADHD", she said. "I'm Wendy who works and thinks differently, and I deal with that!" Her words reminded me of another inspiring lady I once knew.

I once had the privilege of meeting Linda. She had everything to live for - two talented children and a husband she adored, who in turned doted on her. By the time I met her she was in remission from brain cancer. Shortly after we met, her tumour returned and her husband was diagnosed with lymphoma. They died within 6 months of each other. I never knew Linda prior to her diagnosis. Apparently she was organised and controlled. The woman I met was impulsive, forgetful and often blunt because of her tumour. And of course we got along like a house on fire! From the outside it may have seemed that I was looking after Linda as she prepared for her impending death. In reality, Linda was teaching me about life - and about having fun! During her chemotherapy sessions we'd plan weekends away with hired sports cars and Isadora Duncan scarves. We laughed until our cheeks ached, and our frivolous behaviour attracted many disapproving stares. Did we care? Nuh! Linda told me that she refused to allow cancer to define her life. She consciously chose to be happy even though she was faced with such dreadful hardship. I hoped and prayed that I might be half as strong if I were ever tested as she was.

I think Linda would have approved of how I dealt with my cancer diagnosis and treatment. I refused to put my life on hold, even when my oncologist patiently told me for the tenth time that I would feel less fatigued if I took time off work. How could I explain to her that my work energised and healed me? I had friends to laugh with, and a family on both sides of the Indian Ocean who loved and supported me. So, when I think back on the past months since I received my diagnosis, I think of a lot more than cancer. Here are some achievements:

• coaching people with ADHD every day
• a wonderful week of coach training in Sydney
• a great network of like-minded coaches to support me
• finding a marvellous mentor coach
• handing over the LADS presidency
• visiting my daughter in Melbourne - TWICE
• planning a trip to South Africa for my mum's 80th in September
• moving to the perfect office for coaching
• winning the Cameron prize for best research in UWA's Faculty of Education
• re-designing our kitchen & bathrooms which are about to be renovated
• completing most of the requirements for ACC certification with the International Coach Federation
• having fun with my friends and family
• my husband and I buying a red scooter (which he has forbidden me to drive!)

Now that my treatment has ended I can start the next chapter of my life. Much ADHD coaching will be carried out, and even more fun will be had! And I WILL drive that red scooter.

ADHD Coaching - Invest 10% of your time in maximising the other 90%

A common lament from my clients is: "I just don't have enough time!"
When we brainstorm that concept, clients often find that they could have more time if they worked at it. For example:

• they have lots of unproductive time,
• they spend too much time doing things for other people, leaving none for themselves
• they don't know where their time goes
• they spend a lot of time worrying about what they should be doing with their time.

What's the solution? Well, it's different for each client, but in the words of Nancy Ratey: It takes time to make time. There are many ADHD-friendly ways of making more time. It all starts with a better awareness. Start by taking 5 minutes each night refelcting on what you've done with your day. What could you change?

Contact me of you'd like to work out some ways of claiming back your time. We can work face-to-face or on the phone.

email: micheletoner@hotmail.com

mobile: +61 411 067 541

skype: michele.toner

ADHD Coaching - What are you tolerating?

People have learned to tolerate a lot! They put up with, accept, take on, and are dragged down by people's behaviour, or their own. They tolerate unmet needs, crossed boundaries, unfinished business, frustrations, negative attitudes and underachievements.

In Coach World we call these Tolerations (Copyright CoachU Inc).

Tolerations drain our energy. By putting up with them we are distracted from other important things that need our attention. It makes sense, then, to recognise our tolerations and deal with them. Then we can get on with the important things in life.
Sound easy? Well, sometimes it is but other times not.

Why not try it?

1. Take some time to write down a list of things that you know you are tolerating. Some things will come to mind easily, such as the clutter in your family room or the lawn that needs mowingm Others will be harder to pinpoint, like having to do without 'me-time'.
2. Divide your tolerations into three headings: Home, Work/Study, and Family/Community. Try to list 10 under each heading. Notice how some headinsg are easier to fill than others?
3. As you think of more items, add them to your list.

What will you do with this list of Tolerations? Why not work with me to address each and every one. I'm based in Perth, but I 'have Skype, will coach' anywhere in the world.

Contact me for an appointment at:

Landline: (08) 6142-9456

Mobile: +61411067541

email: micheletoner@hotmail.com

ADHD Coaching - How do you know what you need?

Many students with ADHD will be starting University or TAFE for the first time this year. I hope that they will make the commitment to get support from Student Services by registering as a student with special needs. There is often resistance to this step, as many wish to try 'going it alone', and avoid having to disclose their diagnosis. This resistance is brought about, in part, by the difficulty many experience when they attempt to get support for exams from the school Curriculum Councils in Australia who choose not to view ADHD as a learning disability. However, if they work up the courage to register at uni or TAFE, they find a different mindset. ADHD is recognised as a learning disability. Their disclosure remains confidential at all times, and lecturers are only informed if students agree. Students are asked for a letter of confirmation from their treating specialist, and are then asked what accommodations they require.

That's when it becomes difficult. How do you know what you need? In order to request accommodations or support that will make a difference to your academic results, you first need to identify your weaknesses and strengths - in a very specific way. For example, are you able to listen to lecturers and take notes at the same time? Do you know when your most productive period of the day occurs? When are you best able to listen & learn, and what time of day is best for you to revise, tackle assignments or complete class readings? What is the best method for you to study? What challenges do 'group assignments' present? These are some of the questions you need to start asking yourself, and noting the answers in your first weeks at uni or TAFE. Once you've completed your Learning Profile, you're better able to maximise your areas of strength and get support in your areas of weakness.

If you would like some assistance in this area, contact me for a consulation. Also, come to my

Information Session on Saturday 13th Feb, 3:30pm at the Wollaston Conference Centre, Wollaston Rd, Claremont.

Mobile 0411 067 541

Email: micheletoner@hotmail.com

Website: http://www.micheletoner.com/

Remember, people with ADHD make the world a better to place. You are the inventors, discoverers, innovators and artists of the world. We need you.

ADHD Coaching - Are You Starting a TAFE Course Soon?

Many of my clients are going through the final stages of TAFE enrolments at the moment. This can be both an exciting and a daunting process for people with ADHD. Although you're excited about your new course and the thought of making new friends, the fear of the unknown can sometimes cause serious anxiety. So here are my top 3 tips for people with ADHD starting TAFE:

1. Spend some time on the TAFE website. identify student portals where you can download resources, and look for social activities as well.
2. Plan some rehearsals - go to your campus before classes start and get a feel for the building. Find the batchrooms, cafeteria, book shop etc. Find the notice board and check out any activities that interest you. You should also rehearse your public transport route between home and TAFE.
3. Make an appointment to see the Disability Support Officer at your campus. I know that most people with ADHD cringe at the thought, but remember that ADHD is a learning disability, and the support you receive at TAFE will be invaluable. Your meeting will be totally confidential, and nobody else at TAFE need know that you have ADHD. You can speak to the support person about the possibility of recording lectures, using a computer for assessments, and having extra time in exams.

I'm holding an information session for TAFE / Uni students with ADHD. Come along for more help:

Date: Saturday 13th February
Time: 3:30pm
Venue: Wollaston Conference Centre, Wollaston Rd, Claremont.
Cost: $10 per family, so feel free to bring your partner, mum, dad etc.

For further information, or to book a place, contact me:

Mobile: 0411 067 541
Email: micheletoner@hotmail.com

ADHD Coaching - Who Needs Back-to-School Ads?

Back to School advertisements are designed to sell school-related merchandise. What they really do is spoil the last month of the school holidays, especially if you're a student with ADHD. Each time you hear the latest never-to-be-repeated offers you are reminded that soon you'll be back in the classroom struggling to understand the academic and/or social curriculum presented to you in a format that is often not ADHD-friendly. This can sometimes cause anxiety before the school year even starts.

Preparing for a new academic year can take some of the stress out of going back to school. In order to do so, you need to identify the stressors so that they can be addressed. You also need to understand the part that symptoms play in creating the misfit between school and many kids with ADHD.

In order to help students to make a good start at school this year, I'm holding an information session in February. It will be tailored for high school students and their parents, but parents of primary school children may also find it helpful. Join me as I give a brief outline of ADHD in the school context, and suggest strategies for dealing with ADHD-related challenges.
Cost is $10 per family, to cover the cost of the venue hire.
Session details:
Date: Saturday 13th February
Time: 1pm to 2:30pm
Venue: Wollaston Conference Centre, Wollaston Rd, Claremont.
Cost: $10 per family
To register, contact me on 0411 067 541, or micheletoner@hotmail.com
For more information about ADHD and coaching, see my website: http://www.micheletoner.com/

PS - I'll also be holding a session for TAFE and university students on the same day at 3:30pm