The Magic of Christmas

Last week I had 2 interesting conversations about Christmas.

First up I had 12 year old John in tears, having just found out that Santa wasn't a real person. My heart went out to this young chap in his sparkly Santa hat as he told me how sure he was that a reindeer had walked down his passage last year. He told me that the magic had gone out of Christmas for him since he had discovered that his Mum and Dad bought his gifts and was never going to get over the disappointment. He recalled counting the days to Christmas for as long as he could remember, always leaving a carrot for the reindeers & mince pie for Santa on Christmas Eve.

I told him how I insist on playing Santa in our house, even though my children are adults, and I described the hilarity that ensues each year as I try to sneak the presnts under the tree before anybody wakes up. Eventually he started to reframe the magic of Christmas, deciding that he could still 'pretend' to believe in Santa just for the fun of it.

The second conversation was with 13 year old Michael. I loved the way he solemnly informed me that since he came from a family of atheists, he shouldn't have to wait for Christmas Day to get his new i-Pod. He was making a good case about double standards and such things until his mum suggested that as a family of atheists they should scrap Christmas totally and refrain from any gifts or festivities. Not to be outdone, he was quick to suggest that they could celebrate 'Atheistmas' and that they could do so immediately. Although he didn't realise it, he was caught up in the magic of Christmas as well, anticipating the yummy family feast and Christmas concerts, among other Christmas treats.

Different boys with different stories, but both anticipating displays of warmth, love and generosity from their families. Love it or hate it, Christmas is here to stay. Cynics will attribute its popularity to marketing and commercialism. The optimist in me thinks otherwise. As a migrant to Australia I have missed out on 20 family Christmas celebrations. Like many people, I have found some Christmases to be challenging. However, I have discovered that if you reach out, there is always someone who will make challenging times easier. And so we started the Toner tradition of 'Orphan Christmas', where we share our special day with others who are without family. Consequently, have have had Christmas lunches blessed with Jewish, Muslim, Mormon and Buddhist prayers, and we have strayed from traditional turkey and ham to include halal and vegetarian options. With our fellow 'orphans', we have experienced the Magic of Christmas in so many ways.

My wish for everyone is that you all allow yourselves to experience the magic of Christmas, even in some small way. I am very mindful of the fact that this can be a challenging time for many. If that is the case for you, I hope that you are able to reach out and ask for support. Don't be alone at Christmas.

Lessons from my Daughter

Last month my husband and I helped our daughter pack up her flat in Melbourne as she prepares for her return to Perth. She has spent 4 years doing a Bachelor of Dance at the Victorian College of the Arts. I was horrified when my 17 year old asked if she could move across the country to study Dance, as it's not common practice in Australia. I look back over those 4 years now and see that she has grown to be an amazing young woman. And I have to admit that her growth has been mine too. As parents, we like to think that we teach our children so much. In truth, they teach us more. I would like to acknowledge some of the things my daughter has taught me:

Lesson no 1 - Believe in your dreams

Callen decided at the age of 4 that she would be a dancer. I know that many little girls decide to be ballerinas, but she really meant it. There was never any doubt in her mind that she wanted to pursue dance as a profession. Having made that commitment, there was no going back. She has honoured that dream for 17 years.

Lesson no 2 - Be kind to yourself and others

Callen was a maid from the Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz Ballet at the age of 8. She rushed out of a rehearsal one afternoon with a bag of beautiful emerald materials, sparkles & ribbons, and asked if we could make her beautiful costume together. I felt embarrassed to say that we would be missing out on this wonderful bonding experience because I can't sew, and she noticed my discomfort. So she took my hand, looked into my eyes, and said calmly: 'Don't worry mum, you have other gifts'. She has stopped me from beating myself up countless times since then.

Lesson no 3 - Pause

I was well trained by my daughter, who was well trained by her teachers. Apparently, in the dance world, 'On time = 10 minutes early'. Throughout my time as a mom's taxi, I was faithfully 'on time', and so we had many 10 minute periods to pause and ponder. Dancers do really scary things on stage, and they need to be be focused in order to do them. Pausing gives them that time to focus. Now I teach my clients to pause!

Lesson no 4 - Deal with dream-doubters

There were many times when people (including me) tried to dissuade her from this dream, but she perfected a stare that would silence dream-doubters from ten paces. People were often taken aback by her fierce determination. For example, the hallowed sports physician who told her that the bones in her big toes were crumbling, and suggested that she find another career, was told in no uncertain terms that she would continue as a contemporary dancer and refrain from dancing on point.

Lesson no 5 - Work your plan

Most people have no idea how much hard work it takes to be a dancer. Callen never missed a dance class or rehearsal unless she was unwell, and she gave up many social engagements in order to meet her training and performing commitments. At high school she danced 25 hrs per week, on top of TEE studies. She missed her Leavers celebrations to rehearse the Sugar Plum Fairy solo. As the workload increased at university, so did her work ethic.

Lesson no 6 - Push through the tough times

Injuries are always a concern for dancers, and Callen had to spend a semester at home rehabilitating an injured knee. When most of her friends were asleep, she would accompany me to the gym each morning at 6am, diligently completing each exercise the physio had prescribed until she was strong again. Through all of her tough times, we were able to support her from a distance only, meaning that she had to draw on every bit of strength she could muster, particularly in the final semester, when many students, Callen included, felt the urge to walk away. She stuck it out and finished her course. I know that I would not have had the strength to do it so tough without my family nearby.

Lesson no 7 - Have clear boundaries

By far the toughest lesson I learned was that I could not fly across the Nullarbor Desert like Supermum in a cape each time my daughter needed support. Believe me, I would have tele-ported myself there a million times if I had been given that choice. However, she was very clear about what I could or could not do to help her. And eventually I learned to support without panicking or rescuing - (well, most of the time).

Lesson no 8 - Celebrate

Dancers traditionally celebrate their opening night. I always marvelled at their ability to drag their exhausted bodies out for a celebratory drink, given what they had put themselves through at rehearsals. Not to mention the remaining performances. It seems to be a necessity - part of the process. And that's what coaches teach their clients!

The next chapter begins for this mother and daughter. Moving home after living independently for 4 years could be an enormous challenge. But I have no doubt that Callen will manage it very well - and she'll teach me to manage this new phase in our relationships with grace, as she has always done. I'm grateful for the lessons my daughter has taught me, and I look forward to learning many more.

Coach Credential - Michele Toner ACC

I have good news to share.

As a coach I'm always encouraging my clients to celebrate their wins, and so I'm celebrating mine here today.

I have achieved the level of Associate Certified Coach (ACC) with the International Coach Federation (ICF).

In order to achieve this, I completed an extensive training course, worked with a mentor coach, and logged a set number of coaching hours. I also had to demonstrate competency in the ICF's core competencies in assessments by 3 experienced coaches.

The credentialing process is very rigorous and time-consuming, but I am delighted that I have completed it, as it sets me apart from other coaches. There are only 6000 ICF-credentialed coaches worldwide!

I am currently working towards my next level of credential with the ICF, and look forward to celebrating that milestone with you sometime next year.

Risk it, go for it

Risk it, go for it
Life always gives you another chance
Another go at it
It's very inportant to take
Enormous Risks
-Mary Quant-

When I was a young girl Mary Quant was a trendsetter of note. She famously named the mini-skirt after her favourite motor car, and designed ever-shorter creations for knock-kneed models like Twiggy. Who could forget her 'hot-pants' outfits and the patterned tights which adorned the very-visible legs of the day?

Mary Quant took many risks, and was highly criticised by many, as a result. As a teenager, growing up in South Africa, I clearly remember various church leaders blaming the drought on Mary Quant's mini skirts. I also remember feeling liberated by her trends, much to my parents' horror, as I showed off my own knock-knees to the world. Mary Quant broke down many barriers. Her clothes transcended class and financial means, as she made fashion accessible to young people. Her designs were androgynous and bold. Thank goodness she was a risk-taker.

As children we all take risks without a second thought. I remember watching my son, who was determined to walk at 10 months. He fell a 100 times, often hurting himself, but he got up 101 times, and he walked. As adults, we become cautious, over-thinking things before we commit to anything. 'Do I dare?' we ask ourselves. 'No I don't', we answer. We miss out on so much, and so does the world, as we stifle our creative urges.

That's where ADHD comes in. Risk-taking comes naturally to many people with ADHD. They retain that childhood sense of adventure. They are prepared to make fools of themselves if it means that they will learn a new skill. They step outside their comfort zones every day. They live in the moment.

And they make the world a better place.

What a Difference a Diagnosis Makes

ADHD Awareness Week starts on Monday 20th September, and will be launched in WA by LADS (The Learning & Attentional Disorders Society of WA). I will be working with LADS to spread the scientific word about ADHD - talking about research which identifies the risks associated with ADHD and the benefits of early diagnosis and treatment.

Unfortunately, ADHD Awareness Week is also used by the anti-ADHD movement to create alarm in the community and circulate sensational stories with no scientific foundation. It is my sincere wish that the WA public will listen to the voice of reason and ignore the fanatical fringe.

On Monday, I will be presenting my research at LADS. I'm calling my talk 'What a Difference a Diagnosis Makes', and I'll be telling stories from the perspectives of children and adults with ADHD. One thing stands out clearly in my research - the earlier the ADHD diagnosis, the better equipped people are to deal with it.

Also on Monday, there will be an expert panel at LADS, consisting of doctors, psychologists, teachers, a speech therapist, and other allied health professionals. Audience members will have the opportunity to ask them any questions about ADHD. Join us please, for an evening of information based on scientific fact, not alarmist nonsense:

When: Monday 20th Sept at 6:30pm
Where: The Niche, cnr Hospital Ave & Aberdare Rd Nedlands, WA

Breaking the Silence

A new Australian report on suicide ('Breaking the Silence') paints a very sad picture, and calls for a national strategy for suicide prevention. Some alarming facts:

• 2200 Australian commit suicide each year. This translates to 7 per day.
• Almost 80% of those who commit suicide in Australia are males.
• It is the leading cause of death for men under 44, and women under 35
• More people die by suicide than from motor vehicle accidents, skin cancer and homicides
• 178 Australian attempt suicide each day, and many require hospitalisation
• In 2007, 31509 Australians were admitted to hospital as a result of self-harm
• The level of direct funding for national suicide prevention is less than $1 per person per year

Suicide and suicide attempts cause immense distress to individuals, and also to the wider community. Colleagues, friends and family members often blame themselves for not seeing the 'danger signs', and wonder what they could have done to prevent such a tragedy. Responses to suicide are also complicated by the accompanying stigma, and the perception of suicide as a failure on the part of the deceased (to cope) or the family (for not intervening or preventing the suicide).

The causes of suicide are complex. However, in reality, almost all people who attempt or complete suicide had one or more warning signs. The vast majority of people who commit suicide have contact with health services. The risk of suicide may be highest when someone is discharged from acute psychiatric care.

This new report list many strategies for governments to implement in order to decrease the risk of suicide amongst Australians. Obviously, much more money should be spent on suicide prevention services. Also, it recommends that the public be educated about mental illness and suicide, in order to reduce stigma in these areas. They recommend an annual budget of $10 million per year for at least five years be spent in order to change public and community attitudes. Let's hope that all politicians and bureaucrats who have some power over government spending take the time to seriously consider this report and all its recommendations.

The full report can be downloaded from:

www.suicidepreventionaust.org

If you need any help, or know anybody else who needs support, contact Lifeline: 13 11 14.

Are you an Adrenaline Addict?

Let's face it, when the dopamine is low people with ADHD sometimes rely on adrenaline to get them through tough situations. Adrenaline is there to give us a jolt of superhuman energy when we find ourselves in danger. Increasingly, people use it to get an exciting rush or high - skydiving and bungy-jumping create adrenaline rushes. Leaving a project or assignment until the last minute also creates the stress requireed to produce adrenaline in our bodies, and that helps us to complete the task - just in time. It is so effective, that many people consciously, or unconsciously use it as a strategy. However, constant adrenaline highs come at a physical and emotional cost. Physically, we are overusing our adrenal gland, and putting stress on the body by regularly circulating adrenaline. We are also harming our emotional wellbeing by creating the stressful situations which cause our body to circulate adrenaline.

CoachU provides the following Adrenaline Self-Test. Many are similar to ADHD symptoms.
How many apply to you:

1. I drink coffee, colas, or other caffeinated beverages in order to get going and keep going
2. I eat sugar to calm myself down
3. I tend to overpromise and then rush to get the project done at the last minute
4. I arrive at work rushed and already 'on'
5. I feel an inner rush or lack of stillness or peace much of the time and I can't get rid of it.
6. I tend to be impatient with the pace or performance of others
7. I often drive 10km per hour or more over the speed limit or tend to tailgate
8. I tend to run late or arrive just in time. After all, why waste time by being early?
9. It often seems that there is a problem, hassle, or difficult situation I'm having to deal with
10. I don't give myself enough time during the day for the things I do know will come up
11. I love a challenge, and pushing through it to reach a solution
12. I get grabbed by surprises or upsetting events and can't calm down for a day or two
13. I find it boring or difficult to simply hang out with people sometimes
14. I am at my best when under pressure, especially deadline pressure
15. Sometimes I wonder if I deliberately set myself up to wait until the last minute
16. I do not arrive at the airport an hour before my flight
17. I carry my mobile phone even when I do not need it
18. Sometimes I think I unconsciously try to find the hardest way of getting something done
19. People sometimes complain that I am not there with them, even though I am
20. I tend to be a driven type of person

Scoring Key:

15-20 You are a certified adrenaline addict
11-14 An unhealthy level of adrenaline is probably coursing through your body
6-10 You have a possible adrenaline problem
0-5 Congratulations! You appear to not have an adrenaline problem.

Coaching can help you design and implement strategies that will make you less reliant on adrenalin to get the job done. With a coach you can identify and eliminate your adrenaline triggers. You will replace adrenaline energy with a natural energy and vitality which will make you more productive than ever before.
Contact me for more information:

Mobile: 0411 067 541
Landline: (08) 6142 9456
Email: micheletoner@hotmail.com